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Mothering My Way: The Complicated Mother's Day

5/11/2014

11 Comments

 
NOTE: Just to be clear. This post is not about sadness. It's about empowerment and feeling honored to mother in multiple ways. I love my life and the choices I've made and I celebrate them daily!!!! I hope you are celebrating yourself today too. :-)

Yesterday I created the 10 on the 10th art journal spread for the month of May. During the recording, I decided to use a picture of my mother because the last two cards of my 10 said: "Add a photo" and "Add a quote."
Picture
My mother has more phrases and sayings that have stuck in my head than any one else. Things she has been saying to me all of my life. Words that have become a part of who I am and how I show up in the world. So the combination of those two cards really spoke to me and I created the page you see to the left. It was my way of honoring her for Mother's Day, even though that is not what I had set out to do. But the quote I used was really profound in conjunction with another quote that moved me this week. My mom's quote is "name it and claim it." She probably has said that to me 1000 times throughout my life.

And it was conjured when I read a post that one of my creative cohorts wrote on Facebook this past Friday. It read...
I feel sadness for all the women who have lost babies, for the women who desperately want to be mamas, and for the women who grieve their relationship with their mother. It can be a rather complicated day, can't it?
This post really hit home for me on so many levels and after I cried a little, I realized, YES!!! This day is a really complicated day for me (and for so many others). It's not something I talk about a great deal. As a matter of fact, this is the FIRST time I'm talking about it "in public" and so I'm probably going to keep it semi-short and sound really cryptic, but stick with me. :-)

When I was younger (12 to 29 or so) I was pretty adamant that I was NEVER having children. I grew up with a lot of younger cousins who were a handful (to put it nicely). My family, like so many other families, was a mess, and I loved them, but the chaos was the best kind of birth control a gal like me needed. I think I must have proclaimed, once a day, every day, that I would NEVER have children. It just seemed like too much work. The women in my family usually seemed tired and generally unhappy and the kids (us kids) were often disobedient and rebellious. Nothing about that appealed to me.

Then I turned 17, graduated high school, and three months later had the most amazing little human in my arms. It was my nephew, Treavor, and he changed my life. See, I was a bit of a mess too. I was rebellious, disobedient, chaotic, and had quite the sassy tongue. I was also extremely independent, responsible, strong-willed, smart and driven. Oh, and a little bit of a hard-ass. But that little boy made me melt.

His father (my brother) was not able to care for him and his mother had to return to work shortly after giving birth. My mother had been in a serious car accident and was in traction for the first 6 months of his life, so I became his primary caretaker (and hers). At 17.


I won't give you the long narrative version but let's just say this:
--He and I bonded like a mother a son would do in that first year of his life. I experienced all of the "joys" of motherhood that happen in year one:
  • 1, 3, and 5AM feedings
  • Runny poop
  • Teething
  • First roll over
  • First crawl
  • First steps
  • First word
First everything. I was there.
And I continued to be there for the rest of his life. First haircut, first day of school, first bike, first tee-ball game, etc, etc., etc.
He was my kid.
But I still didn't want to have children. At the time, I didn't think of him as my kid. I was just being a good aunt.
Then I went off to college, graduated, and moved 10 hours away from him. During those years, his life became the life of most of the kids in my family -- chaotic, rebellious, and a bit out-of-control. He was doing horribly in school and I was finding myself having to parent him from a distance. It was exhausting (to put it nicely).

I married my best friend of 17 years and we brought my nephew to live with us. He was 12 going on 13 and he was a handful, but the bond we had forged during the first year of his life was stronger than most biological mothers and sons, so he acclimated rather quickly to living with us and began to flourish almost immediately.

Four years later, he graduated high school and moved to Seattle, WA to attend college. He majored in theater and graduated from college in 2013. It had been a long ride. It had been the most intense ride and the most rewarding. I raised a man. An amazing, kind, intelligent, and independent man. We cried a lot along the way (he and I), but we also laughed a lot too.

During the time he lived with us, I learned that all of my proclamations about NEVER having kids had come true. I had named it and now had to claim the fact that it was going to be almost impossible to have a kid of my own unless I was willing to pay a lot of money for IVF treatments and a bunch of other science-laden options. Damon and I contemplated it, but ultimately opted against doing it for a variety of reasons that maybe I will share another time, but the thing that's important here is that it was complicated. Being a mother to my nephew was complicated. Being a mother who has never given birth IS complicated. Having other mothers tell me I'm not a "real" mother is complicated. Looking at my exquisite husband and knowing that I'll never bring forth life with him is complicated.

As a teacher, I've mentored so many amazing young ladies. Many of them are mothers who have given birth. A couple of them are like me, no birth kids, but they are raising the children of others. These women still send me text messages on this day thanking me for loving them like a mother, for raising them, for seeing the potential in them when no one else did. And this part, this part doesn't feel complicated. This part feels real. Feels empowering. Feels like what keeps me going from May of one year to May of the next. It's also the reason that I make art, that I create things with my hands and my mind and my heart.

Women are born creators. We are designed to bring forth things that did not once exist. Some of us do it by birthing children. Some of us publish literary journals, or write books of poems and stories. Some of us make amazing murals, sculptures, jewelry, and other works of art. There is power in this kind of creating. No, it's not the same as biologically birthing a child. No, it does not replace the loss of a child. And no, it doesn't mend the relationship you may have with your mother.

But making art is uncomplicated.

In my heart, it's one of the ways for me to feel the true presence of God. It's how I know I am still alive and kicking in this crazy, chaotic world. It's the thing that slows me down enough to enjoy this life. Making art gives me purpose, clarity, and ultimately allows me to live (and create) with intention. And all of these things...these are the ways that I am mothering on my terms and in my own way.
Picture
11 Comments
Debbie L Gregory
5/11/2014 03:20:42 pm

This is such an emotional and amazing post for me. I can relate on so many levels, and yes the words but where is there real mother, or I didn't mean it like that, you know what I mean would destroy a little piece of my heart each time I heard it, and it is nice to hear the same from another woman that understands, and was a "REAL" mother despite the labels of others. I was never able to give birth to a child of my own but have raised and loved many also. Happy Mothers Day to a kindred spirit.

Reply
Kiala link
5/11/2014 05:11:50 pm

Debbie, thank you for this heartfelt comment. I'm honored that you would share it and that you took the time to read my thoughts on it. Happy Mother's Day to you too!!!

Reply
bridget joss
5/11/2014 09:41:44 pm

Debbie thank yu so much for opening your life and sharing . Motherhood is not perfect and neither are we. We are blessed to put our impurities into our art and make them beautiful .

Reply
Traude
5/12/2014 01:28:54 am

thank you so much for this blogpost ... I think you are more mother than you could believe ... for me mother = inconditional love, give confidence, stand behind when you are needed, inspire and encourage, but constructive critics too ... and, and, and ... and this is what you are doing here with your blog and your activities around ... for that happy mother day - it doesn´t matter that it is one day to late, it comes from my heart
I got my daughter with 21 ... three years at home ... than university, career and all the years working ... the people around named me "Rabenmutter"(= a german expression for very very bad mother) ... but today my daughter tells me that I was more "mother" than all the mothers of her friends ... I love her and we have a wonderful relationship ...
a hug from Spain from one mother to another

Reply
Kiala link
5/16/2014 01:27:41 pm

Traude!!! Thank you for sharing your mothering story. I love hearing of the unconventional mothers in the world. It's so important to be sure we share our stories so that none of us feels alone.
Hugs to you too.

Reply
Barbara Albrecht
5/12/2014 03:33:55 am

Kiala, thank you!! I have complications of mothering...not like yours...but complications with step children and one of my own daughters. And a complicated relationship with my mother. Yesterday was filled with some joy and some sorrow because of the complications. You are so right...ART helps us through!! Thank you for your heartfelt post and bearing your soul with your own story.

Reply
Kiala link
5/16/2014 01:29:59 pm

Barbara, yes, having step-kids can be a complicated journey. I was a stepchild and I'm sure I wasn't the easiest to deal with after having my mother to myself for nearly 13 years when my step-dad arrived. God bless the step parents and the patience it must take to be in that role. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm honored that you would.

Reply
Kimberley McGill link
5/13/2014 01:12:21 am

Beautiful post.

Reply
Bindu link
5/16/2014 10:52:16 am

Being a mother is the most wonderful experience. That little baby is taken care of by the mom...

Reply
jo link
5/19/2014 07:55:19 am

Amen for this wonderful post! It hit home for me on several levels. You said it so perfectly. This day is(and was) a very complicated day for me filled with sorrow but thank good ness art is always near and reminds me that I am the one who is enough even if others have not thought so. Thank you again for sharing your heart.

Reply
christine Bell
5/22/2014 04:27:07 pm

A lovely post, Kiala. Thank you for sharing your story. It was healing to read.

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    I'm Kiala, a student of life first and foremost. And I'm also a published poet, book binder, fountain pen collector, Life Alchemist & Intuitive Soul Guide. I make things, paint things, and write things. I love teaching & empowering women to  live with intention. Please, grab a cup of your favorite warm drink, a fountain pen, and your favorite journal. Let's connect!


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